Guilt

Guilt is truly the worst emotion. It plagues like an incurable virus and gains strength when we are tired, hungry, stressed, and most of all when we allow it to permeate our thoughts and mind. As a working mom, 99.99% of the guilt I experience revolves around whether my working negatively impacts my family. Often the guilt is fed by comments from others. I have been asked, "Why do you work if you don't have to?", and been told, "Remember, you came from a family with a mom who stayed at home, and that's what is normal.". I wonder if the people who make these comments realize just how unhelpful the comments are- despite their good intentions.

Obviously you can tell from this post that there have been some struggles with adjusting to full time work. I am extra sensitive to comments from others and my kids. For example, a statement from my daughter as simple as "Mommy, are you staying home with us today?" made me crazy with worry that she feels that I don't want to spend time with her. This morning the same child, when I was slow to leave after the nanny had arrived stated emphatically, "Mommy, you need to leave now". Of course, that made me wonder if she prefers not to have me home. Bottom line is that my 3 yr. old daughter's comments were meant at face value. She was unconcerned when I said that no, I would be going to work and that she would be going to school. This morning, she followed up her "get out of here" comment with a cheerful "bye-bye! love you!" as she gleefully banged out a tune on the piano. The below article touches on some of the worries experienced by working moms also touches on the fact that our worrying might be all for naught.

http://money.cnn.com/2005/05/05/pf/workingmoms/index.htm

Being a health care worker, my work decisions are data driven. Nothing makes me happier than greedily dissecting the literature to work a pharmacy problem. I apply that same principle to most of the rest of my life. While I like books, I'm far more interested in the studies that form the bases of the tertiary literature. Below is a link to an interesting outcomes study on children who are in daycare as toddlers.

http://eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/search/detailmini.jsp?_nfpb=true&_&ERICExtSearch_SearchValue_0=ED449883&ERICExtSearch_SearchType_0=no&accno=ED449883

Sometimes, I wonder if working and SAH moms all experience a "the grass is greener on the other side" feeling. There are days I would gladly give up work and stay home, but I know from experience that staying at home doesn't work great for me. I've heard stay at home moms comment that they would LOVE to get out of the house and interact with adults in a work environment. We all do what we think is best with the knowledge that what we choose isn't always easy. Perhaps working moms sometimes succumb to unnecessary guilt when they judge themselves and allow others to judge them for working. Similarly, I think SAHM's often get flack from others who make them questions their choice to stay home. We all want to believe that our choices are better than someone else's. What can be done to fix this??? I have no idea. But, I can start by being more secure and confident in my decisions and fighting that all-consuming virus called guilt.