Celebrating One Year!

My baby boy turns one today.  His first year of life has gone by far too quickly!  Looking back over the first year of his life reminded me of how completely and  utterly dependent on God we are.  My pregnancy with him was difficult, filled with shots, medications, worry, and perinatologist visits.   The night before I had him was sleepless for my husband and I after he checked his email at 10PM to discover a message from the employer he was relocating our family to work for stating that his job offer had been rescinded based on problems with his paperwork.  There we were, on the verge of having our third child and my husband & I  had no jobs, and our house had sold and was under contract.  I'm not sure he & I had ever been so scared in our lives.  It was a horrible night.

The following morning we dragged ourselves to L&D for my induction.  I remember very little of labor.  What I do remember is my husband being on his cell phone all day trying to figure out what had gone wrong with his paperwork and what to do.  By the evening, nothing was resolved with his job, but we had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  

By the time he was 2 weeks old our plans had changed.  Although everything was resolved with his potential employer who admitted fault with his paperwork, my husband's experience with that company had pretty much ruined his desire to work for them.  His & my wonderful employers gladly gave us our old jobs back, and the contract on our house fell through so we could stay in our home.  However, we had lost the chance to live closer to family and to make a new start in a new location.  The stress had taken a toll, my milk supply was nonexistent, my husband and I were fighting, and in my exhaustion and sadness even caring for my sweet baby and kids didn't help make things better.  Remembering it still makes my heart ache - even a year later.

By winter, my baby boy and his siblings had grown.  All 3 were thriving and healthy, but I couldn't shake the sadness.  It monopolized my days and kept me awake at night.  Around the time I should have been feeling better rested b/c the baby was sleeping better, my exhaustion reached a peak.  I didn't really want to do anything whether it was teaching, housework, cooking, exercising, or even playing with my kids.  It was a cold, dark day in February when my husband sat me down and told me it was time to get some help.  I didn't even realize how bad I had gotten until he brought it to my attention. Oddly enough, as morose and anxious as I was, my baby boy was completely the opposite.  His nature was coming into focus as energetic, gregarious, and fun-loving.  His frequent, infectious laughter is one of my favorite sounds.

Thankfully, I was able to start some medication quickly and started feeling better.  Unfortunately some damage had been done as I found out on my semester student evaluations when one student wrote, "Dr.__ is a great, knowledgeable instructor.  She is nice and approachable, but she just didn't seem like she cared..."  That comment hurt because just about the time I read it, I had finally started to care again.  I'm sorry to have denied my students that part of me.

By May, my sweet baby boy had learned to crawl and things were looking better all around.  Training again for triathlons really helped.  I began to see how God was blessing us rather than focusing on what He had "taken away".  He blessed my husband at work with 2 huge promotions in one year.  He blessed me at work by giving me a glowing mid-probationary review.  He kept our kids healthy and allowed us to keep our home.  He carried us through our sad times and continues to bless us even when we are ungrateful. 

Now, it has been a year.  I have experienced and recovered from postpartum depression.  While things are still hectic with the daily mommy juggle, I am in a very different place now than a year ago.  I see God in my husband, my kids, and our life here.  Happy birthday my sweet baby boy!  What a difference a year makes!  Mommy loves you!